Someone Help Me Think of A Better Title, Kthx
by Bokaj Rellim
Summary: Join Aero, a seemingly average Pokémon trainer on a not-so-average mission to become the Champion of the Kanto region. Based loosely on the GBA remakes of R/B because I'm racist against grayscale and also my gameboy is out of batteries. Stuff happens. It's pretty wonderful.
1. The Beginning

******I'm finally getting around to rewriting, at least, the early chapters of this. I started it years ago. Years ago I couldn't write myself out of a paper bag. Hopefully, you get the picture.**

**Anyway, I don't think my writing voice changed a whole lot, considering my humor is as awful as always. It's just more, uh, refined or something. I don't know. I probably swear twice as much now, so I might be going in the wrong direction in some ways. Oh well, fuck you. There I go again.**

**Also, This stupid site keeps randomly applying underline to my sentences. It's getting REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING TO FIX, GODDAMN.**

******_DISCLAIMER:_ I don't actually care about disclaimers. It's just fun to write DISCLAIMER ****like I'm important or something.**

* * *

**Chapter**** 0 – Usually Known As The Prologue, Sometimes Known As That Pre-Chapter Thing, On The Rare Occasion Known As Fuck You, I'm Batman, Wait No That Never Happens  
**

* * *

Our humble story pre-begins in the town of Pallet. Or Masara. Or マサラ. Or fuck you, Japanese characters probably don't even work on this dumb site. Otherwise widely known as That Town Nobody Cares About Because It's Useless, well known for it's ability to produce trainers that don't stand in one place and lose every battle they participate in. Just most of them in the rival's case. He's a faggot.

Okay, anyway, our story pre-begins with a sleeping person, in a bed, on the second floor of a house, in a town nobody cares about. Good enough.

"Aero!" Shouted an adult female from the first floor of the house in the town nobody cares about. "Aeeeerrroooo!"

The previously mentioned sleeping person rolled over in their bed.

"Aero, wake up! The professor will be here any second now to probe you for personal information, run away, make you to find him, and then force you to take care of a stupid animal with destructive powers for the rest of your existence."

"Five more minutes…" mumbled the human-shape form underneath the covers.

The female parent-figure charged up the stairs, and delivered a karate chop to the area of the bed that was relatively estimated to house the sleeping entity's abdomen. "**WAKE UP NOW!**"

_MOM used KARATE CHOP!_  
_It's super effective!_

_AERO woke up!_

Aero's mother went back downstairs.

After recovering from being karate chopped by a mother with a black belt in playing too many video games, regaining his breath, and coughing up blood, Aero eventually made it out of bed.

"Fucking hell." Our protagonist said no nobody in particular while holding his wounded tummy.

Suddenly, the sound of shattering glass from downstairs.

"It is I, Professor Oa-"

"You fuck! Use the door like a normal person!"

"Science has no time for doors!"

"Your science better be paying for my fucking window!"

"Direct me to your son and/or daughter please."

"**UPSTAIRS!**"

Then the sound of assault. "Oof!" Then irregular footsteps on the stairs.

Then the figure of an aged man in a standard-issue lab coat holding his stomach in pain.

"Your *huff* mother has *wheeze* one hell of a *hack* karate chop."

"Tell me about it."

* * *

**BONUS ROUND! COUNT HOW MANY TIMES I SWORE THIS CHAPTER AND WIN A PRIZE!  
**

**PM me your answers for a free punch to the kidney! Family fun for everyone!  
**


	2. Professor Oakimus Prime

**You'll be able to tell which chapters I've rewritten for now, because it'll say "Rewrite" in the title of the chapter. Also because they don't suck. Or at least not as much as they did before.  
**

**With that being said: Gee, rewriting is pretty hard!  
**

**REWRITE DATE: 8/16/2012  
It's like a stardate, except not as cool, and has nothing to do with Star Trek. In other words, It's nothing like a stardate. Go away.  
**

**_DISCLAIMER:__ I don't own Pokémon. If I did, it would probably be banned in Australia._**

* * *

**Chapter 1 – Also Known As Chapter 2 Because This Site Is Dumb And Doesn't Like Prologues**

* * *

When we last left off, Professor Oak had just broken into Aero's house via the first floor window. Aero's mother soon forgot about it, and went back to playing video games. Both Aero and the good professor were suffering from abused abdomens.

Sounds about right.

"Why the fuck are you in our house anyway, old man?" asked Aero, straight to the point.

"Ah, that's right!" exclaimed the professor. "Welcome to the world of Pokémon!"

"You're kind of late there. Like by nineteen years."

"Hah! You fell for my elaborate scheme to extract your true age!"

"Fuck!"

"Anyway, my name is Oak!"

"I already know that much."

"STOP INTERRUPTING!" yelled the professor. "We need to finish this in a timely matter. I have important things to do!"

"Like what, standing around in your lab doing nothing all day?"

"Hey! I do important work! Like…uh…you know. Science! Yeah, science."

"Right."

The professor cleared his throat. "*Ahem* Anyway, as I was saying, people refer to me as the Po-"

"-rn Professor, authority on all amateur pornography found on the internet. You travel far and wide in an attempt to discover the identities of the barely legal teens that flash their tits for creepy people who never leave their rooms."

"Wait, how do you know my online identity?!" The professor waved his arms around frantically.

"Woah, dude. You seriously do that for real? I was just making stuff up!"

"…Shit. Imeanno! Noofcoursenot! ridiculous!"

"Right."

"A-Anyway…" Oak stuttered. "The world is inhabited by-"

Aero cut the professor off again. "- creatures known as Pokémon, yes. I know."

Oak was starting to lose his patience with the young trainer-to-be. "Why am I even here then?!"

Aero kept going. "For some people, Pokémon are pets, minions, sex-slaves, icons to sexualize in online fan fiction, the whole shebang. Others use them for beating people up and stealing their money."

"Stop doing my job for me! They don't pay me when people do this to me!"

"Wait, what? You mean someone actually pays you for this?"

"Well…in pogs, yes."

"I suppose that's better than nothing."

Oak looked sullenly to the ground. "When times get hard, we use them as food."

"No wonder your grandson is such a dickhead."

After a few seconds, Oak regained his composure and started mumbling to himself in a form well-known to people who get yelled at in English class for using run-ons. "Well, as I was saying…where was I? I'm a professor, blah blah, Pokémon are pets, blah blah, some people write bad fan fiction, wait that wasn't part of my speech, Aero just tacked that on…hmm…although it is true, anyway, Pokémon beat people up, and, uh, oh yeah!"

After getting his mind back on track, Oak snapped back to reality to find Aero in the corner fiddling around with a computer.

"**WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"**

"I figured I'd play a game of minesweeper or two until you decided to stop talking to yourself like some escaped mental patient." The face at the top of the screen went from smiling to having its eyes X-ed out. "Dammit. I don't get this game at all." Aero started a new game, and then looked over at Oak. "Wait. You are just some strange old guy hanging out in my room. You aren't actually an escaped mental patient are you?"

**"GET OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER WHILE I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU!"**

"I knew it!"

"I give up." Oak sighed. "I'm just going to skip the rest of this speech since you won't pay attention anyway, and get right to the part where, like an internet stalker, I ask you for your name, and gender."

"Okay."

"So, uh. Are you a BOY or are you a GIRL?"

"I-"

"Forget it. Since your breasts are pretty much non-existent, and you're wearing pants, I already put down BOY."

"That's sexist."

"I don't care. Now tell me your na-" Aero was preoccupied with a GameBoy.

"What the hell are you doing now?" Oak confiscated the GameBoy, and chucked it out the now-broken second-story window.

From downstairs: "**YOU'RE PAYING FOR THAT WINDOW TOO, YOU FUCK!**"

Oak cringed.

Then the crash was swallowed up by the sound that accompanies a town-leveling mushroom cloud. Oak stared out the broken window in silence, taking in the decimated remains of most of Pallet.

"Hey! That was my project for the science fair!"

"You could have told me that it was going to explode before I chucked it out the window!"

"You didn't ask."

And that boys and girls, is why there are only three buildings in Pallet Town.

"Don't feel bad," said Aero, patting Oak on the back in a consoling manner. "None of the people you just evaporated were beneficial parts of our community anyway."

"True," Oak rubbed his chin like an important man of science. "Anyway. I need your name to complete my private records."

"Private records? I've never been in any amateur pornography videos, you kook."

Oak blinked.

"Then why the fuck am I here!? I have important things to do!" Oak turned to leave, and then realized the real reason he was here and turned back around. "Wait a second! I'm not here about that! I need your name for my private record of Pokémon trainers from Pallet town."

"Oh. I guess that makes more sense."

"Ok. Now, what is your name?" Oak flipped open a notebook, and procured a pencil from one of his coat pockets.

"Aero."

"Aero?"

"Aero."

"Right so your name is Aero?"

"What the fuck did I just say?"

Oak scratched his chin. "Wait. Is it like Final Fantasy, or that dumb clothing company?"

"Final Fantasy."

"So no funny mark over the e then?"

"You mean the acute accent diacritic?"

"What?"

"I thought you were supposed to be smart."

"I'm a scientist! Not a grammar teacher!" Oak scribbled down Aero's name with frustration. "Now then, I forget what was next…"

"That's nothing new."

"Shut up."

Just then, there was a commotion downstairs. Sounds of Aero's mother screaming like usual, and someone else. Then the sound of pain and grunting. Then footsteps on the stairs. Oak's grandson emerged from the stairs holding his abdomen in pain.

"Oh yeah!" exclaimed the professor.

"What the *cough* hell is wrong *wheeze* with your mom?"

"She plays too many video games."

Professor Oak continued. "You two have been rivals since you were babies."

"What?" said both Aero and Oak's grandson in unison.

"You're going senile old man. I only moved here last month."

"Too bad! You're rivals now. You and…and…what's my grandson's name again?"

"Gramps, have you been taking your medication?"

"Hell no! Medication is for pussies!"

"Hm." Aero thought for a moment. "Oh riiiiiigggghhhhttt. Your grandson's name is Jennifer, remember?"

"Oh yeah! That's right!"

"**WHAT! NO!**" Jennifer protested.

Oak punched his grandson in the stomach.

"Quiet, my boy. You're not even supposed to be here!" Jennifer fell to the floor. "Anyway, that's everything I needed to get done…I think. Probably." Oak grabbed Jennifer by the legs, and dragged him down the stairs. "See you at the lab!"

The sounds of Oak exiting through another unbroken window were heard downstairs.

"FIX MY WINDOWS!" screamed Aero's mom.

"FOR SCIENCE!" Oak yelled back. He then proceeded to dart away into the sunset, dragging his grandson behind him like a sack of potatoes.

* * *

**I like this rewritten version way better than the original. I wish I wrote like this from the start! Maybe then I would have been done with this fic by now.**

**No. That's just crazy talk. I'll never be done with this fic! Ha ha ha ha ha!  
**

**I'm in a surprisingly good mood today.  
**


	3. Lets Withdraw A Potion

**I still don't know why I decided to make this a whole chapter.  
**

**And if anyone cares, Aero's PC is loosely based off of a Windows Me I have at home that crashes every time you do anything. Including hit shutdown.  
**

**_DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A DISCLAIMER. I AM DISCLAIMING THINGS. WHOA MAN._**

* * *

**Chapter 2 – A Whole Chapter About Technology**

* * *

**[Recap]**Aero gave away personal information to Professor Oak, who then stored it in an online database used by advertisers to send you pop-ups of penis enlargement pill ads. Or maybe not. But probably.

Professor Oak then managed to nuke most of Pallet Town into rubble, and then forgot his grandson's name. Aero then renamed Oak's grandson Jennifer because Jennifer is a pretty name.

Oak then retreated into the setting sun, leaving a multitude of broken windows in his wake. The sun wasn't actually setting, but don't tell him that. It would just serve to depress him.**[/Recap]**

Aero decided to take care of some important things before leaving home, so Aero sat down on the carpet in the bedroom and played the SNES hooked up to the television that was placed in the middle of the floor for some reason.

One Hour Later…

Aero turned off the SNES to discover an interesting television program was currently airing, and decided to watch TV for awhile.

Another Hour Later…

"Okay, time to get going." Then Aero yawned. "On second thought, maybe I'll take a quick nap."

**"AERO IF YOU DON'T HURRY THE FUCK UP, I'LL COME UP THERE AND THROW YOU OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW!" **yelled Aero's mom from downstairs. '_And then I'll make Professor Oak pay for that one too!' _she thought to herself. "Oh! And I put a potion in your PC honey."

"On second thought, leaving sounds like a good idea." Aero decided. "But first, it's potion time!"

Aero moved over to the PC, and closed out the minesweeper game. It then proceeded to spew out hundreds of unintelligible error messages before crashing to a blue screen of fuck you, which is rather similar to a blue screen of death besides the lack of useful debugging information.

"Fuckin' Windows Me…" Aero muttered as the machine rebooted.

Once the computer was finally rebooted, Aero was presented with four options.

Item Storage  
Inbox  
Minesweeper  
Shutdown

Considering that Aero didn't want to shut off the computer after having to deal with rebooting it in the first place and that minesweeper was completely unplayable apparently, only two viable options were remaining.

Aero decided to check for mail before grabbing the potion and leaving.

There were only two messages in the Inbox. One was from Jennifer, the other was a Viagra advertisement.

"Goddammit, Oak!"

Aero deleted the spam email, and then opened the one from Jennifer.

ur a faget.

"Goddammit, Jennifer!"

Aero deleted the message and exited the email program. The computer immediately began spewing out error messages. Then it crashed. Again.

"…"

Aero banged his head on the computer desk.

After a string of swears that not even the burliest of sailors would speak, the computer was finally rebooted for a second time. This time Aero went straight to item storage.

A list of stored items materialized on the screen. Of course, since there was only a single Potion in storage, it wasn't really much of a list.

Regardless of amount, free is free, so Aero pushed some random keys and then the computer crashed.

"You know what," Aero punched a hole in the monitor. "Crash that you dick."

The PC tower caught on fire.

"Well fuck you too."

Before exploding into a pile of worthless plastic and silicon, the disc drive ejected and a Potion flew outward. Aero managed to catch it before it smashed against a wall.

"Huh." Aero took a better look at the bottle in his hand. It was small and had a spray nozzle for administering the liquid inside. Also, a sticker with the word "Potion" written with poor handwriting using a red crayon was casually stuck over a different factory-printed label that said WINDEX.

"Seems legit."

Aero placed the potion in the ITEMS section of the BAG, which was actually a pocket sewn into a pair of jeans. Fuck yeah, denim.

It was decided that everything was in place, and no further preparation was required for the journey of a lifetime. Aero descended the stairs of the bedroom, momentarily stopping to wonder where the strange sign saying to push the L button for help came from.

"What the hell is a L button?"


	4. Fucknugget The Great

**I changed quite a bit in this chapter. All the ideas were there for sure, but the execution was awful. Now that I fixed the execution, it's just the actual humor part that's awful.**

**Either way, I had a lot of fun rewriting this chapter into something actually readable. Well, readable if you can stomach the ridonkulous amount of swearing. That's right. Ridonkulous.  
**

**Oh, and I still hate the dumb editor. It's as buggy as rotten cantaloupe. Rotten cantaloupe is pretty buggy.  
**

**_DISCLAIMER: I am disclaiming this planet in the name of mars._**

* * *

**Chapter 3 – Science Shenanigans**

* * *

**[Recap]**Aero managed to blow up a computer, and then went down the stairs.**[/Recap]**

On Aero's way down the stairs, something horrible dawned on the young trainer.

"I'm the only one with a bedroom!"

A few moments afterwards Aero remembered that his mother didn't actually need a bedroom because she was too busy playing video games all day every day to actually sleep. How Aero's mom managed to continue living without eating or sleeping was a mystery itself. One that probably won't be answered any time soon.

So Aero descended the steps.

And then collapsed after his mother karate chopped him in the abdomen.

And then Aero fell down the steps. "Ooof!"

"Stop making creaky noises on the steps! I'm fighting a boss!"

After struggling to stand, and hacking up more blood into the sink, Aero sluggishly headed towards the front door.

"Yeah. *gasp* I love you too, mother."

"And get that Oak guy to fix our windows!"

"*cough* Will do."

Once outside, Aero noticed the actual damage of the explosion. Most of the town was blown to pieces, and generic-looking rocks were conveniently blocking every path out of the town, besides the path to Route 1 and the path to Route 21. Unfortunately, Route 21 was almost entirely flooded with the tears of a particularly depressed water tower that happened to cry a literal river after an explosion blew a hole into the side of it.

On one hand, it gave the Swimmers and Fishermen somewhere new to challenge people they'll never beat. On the other hand, the Route used to be full of wild Chansey. You awful, awful people.

Well whatever. Route 1 it is.

Fortunately, the only three buildings still standing were the most important ones: A house to live in, a house to be better than, and a big facility where you can leave old people who aren't able to contribute to society anymore. Like Oak.

Speaking of Oak, Aero's first stop was Oak's Pokémon Lab. For now anyway. Once the required funds were procured, the Lab would be remodeled into Aero's Retirement Home for Kooky Old Professors.

While thinking about this, Aero walked past a sign. It was one of those "I'm going to point out the obvious and tell you the name of the town you're in even though it tells you when you walk into town" signs. Unfortunately, like most public property, someone felt the need to cover the sign with graffiti penises, so it was, more or less, unreadable.

Along the way, Aero also saw a woman struggling to read the words on a different sign, which wasn't unreadable due to copious amounts of penis drawings, and an obese man who seemed to be walking in circles in a futile attempt to get fit.

Neither one seemed to realize that they were one of the few people still alive in the town, or that their houses were now piles of dust and rubble.

The woman kept repeating the word "sign" to herself in hushed whispers, meanwhile the chubby man kept talking to nobody about how great technology is. Further inspection would have shown that both of them were actually shocked silly by the explosion and were unable to process any rational thought.

Aero walked straight past fatty and entered Oak's laboratory.

The interior of the lab was full of middle-aged men with thick glasses and spotless white lab coats. Science guys.

One of the scientists walked briskly past Aero as he entered the lab going "Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill…" Another was scanning a bookshelf repeating the phrase "Science rules!"

And when I said that the lab was full of scientists, I mean two. Two scientists. Also a woman, who's only purpose was probably to be the butt of sexist jokes while the male scientists actually accomplished science.

Scientist #2 turned his attention away from the bookshelves long enough to say "Woman, make me a sandwich."

"That's sexist." replied the woman.

"Then you're doing your job." The scientist went back to the bookshelves.

Suddenly an Officer Jeremiah stormed into the lab. "This is the police! You are under arrest for the smuggling of Rare Candies over the Johto/Kanto border!"

They used to be Officer Jennys, but the pay wasn't very good so they all quit and became strippers. The police force, in order to avoid the same problem in the future, hired a bunch of look-alike, straight, homophobic men named Jeremiah with an acute distaste for male stripping to take over instead.

Unfortunately, the pay for stripping was worse, so the Jennys all quit and became professional beggars.

The scientist and woman stared at the police officer silently.

Suddenly, a pair of arms and legs emerged from one of the bookshelves and screamed "They're on to us Frankie!" and darted out of the laboratory. The Officer Jeremiah followed in pursuit. Later on more officers arrived and put the rest of the bookshelves under police custody just in case.

"Hey! I need those books!" complained the scientist. He ran off after the police officers.

"Hey! You need to make sexist comments at me!" complained the woman. She ran off after the scientist.

After watching the odd turn of events, Aero traveled deeper into the laboratory, where a table with three pokéballs were resting. Also Jennifer was there. Because Jennifer.

"What the fuck do you want?" asked Jennifer.

"Where's your dumb grandfather?"

"What makes you think I would be standing here if I knew?"

"A lot of good you are."

"Thanks."

"Do you at least know when he'll be back?"

"No. Fuck off. I'm busy."

"With what? Standing here masturbating?"

"Yes."

Awkward silence.

"Goodbye."

"Smell ya later."

"Please don't."

So Aero left the Laboratory and decided to leave town instead of wasting time looking for Oak.

"It can't be that hard to catch Pokémon. I can just grab one and force it to follow me or something."

Aero stepped into the tall grass of Route 1.

"**COME WITH ME!**" Oak flew out of nowhere, and grabbed Aero by the collar.

_FIVE MINUTES LATER..._

"Damn it!"

"Back so soon?"

"Go fuck yourself Jennifer."

"I kind of already did."

"**SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU**!" roared the professor. "Aero, you need a Pokémon."

"Why?"

"Because it's dangerous."

"How?"

"Well, the last time somebody tried leaving without one, using a walk through walls code, their save file got corrupted by a Missingno." explained Oak.

"What the fuck are you even talking about?"

"Gramps is off his medication again."

"That would explain it."

Oak threw his hands in the air. "I don't need no goddamn medication, boy!"

"Kay." said Jennifer.

"Well, pick a Pokémon already so I can go back to standing here doing nothing."

"I want a pet too!" complained Jennifer.

"You can have one too, I guess. I'll let you pick last, so you can pick a Pokémon that will have a type advantage over Aero's, yet still get your ass kicked anyway."

"Is there any way to not get my ass kicked?"

"No."

Aero moved over to the table. Turtle? No. Lizard? No. Plant? Like hell.

"I don't want any of these." said Aero.

"Ah! So you're picking Bulbasaur, the...whatever it is!"

"No! I said I don't want any of these dumb things!"

"Bulbasaur it is!"

_AERO obtained the BULBASAUR!_

"You dick."

_Would you like to give your new Pokémon a nickname?_

"Fucknugget."

"Aero, can't you pick a more elegant name for your new partner?" asked Oak.

"No."

It was impossible for anyone to see, but the Bulbasaur frowned disapprovingly in its pokéball.

"Okay, I'll pick the turtle then!" Jennifer said suddenly.

"Idiot. The fire-pooping lizard is the one with the type advantage."

Jennifer looked confused. "But isn't Squirtle the fire Pokémon?"

"..." said Aero.

"..." said Oak."Why is my grandson an idiot?"

"Probably because he's related to you."

"Hey! That's mean!"

"Okay fine. I pick Charmander then!" And as he said that, he tossed the pokéball with the Squirtle he was holding out the window. "Can I rename mine too?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because one childish name is enough for the two of you."

"Damn!" cursed Jennifer. "I was going to name it Cuntpickle too!"

"That would have been a good one," said Aero.

"I know!"

Professor Oak made shooing motions with his hands. "Aero. Go away. You're a bad influence."

So Aero was about to leave.

"And where do you think you're going without a customary tutorial battle?" Jennifer threw the pokéball at the ground. "Go Cuntpickle!"

"**YOU'RE NOT NAMING YOUR CHARMANDER CUNTPICKLE GODDAMMIT!**"

In the end, the name didn't wind up meaning a whole lot anyway, because when the pokéball hit the ground, it broke in half. Orange oozy liquid leaked all over the floor.

"No! Cuntpickle! You turned into orange soda!"

"Okay, bye." Aero turned around to leave.

Before Aero could actually leave, Jennifer ran out of the lab crying.

Oak scratched his chin. "Well, shit. I guess that's what I deserve for buying the cheap ones."

"You stupid fuck."

"Aero. Go away."

"Kay."

Aero went away.


	5. I Hate Route 1

**This is probably one of my least favorite parts. I can't do anything about that though. Route 1 is super boring, and I did my best to fill in the emptiness with nonsense. The kind of nonsense that isn't nonsense nonsense, but sense nonsense. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.  
**

**Anyway, it gets better later. Or it will after I rewrite the later chapters. Most of them past this point are okay, but I still think I could do better at a few points.  
**

**Did I mention I really fucking hate Route 1? Because I do. So boring. So very boring.  
**

**_DISCLAIMER: I couldn't think of anything witty to say for this one. Sorry._**

* * *

**Chapter 4 – Route Negative Z**

* * *

**[Recap]**Aero finally left home, but didn't make it very far before Professor Oak dragged Aero back to the lab for a Pokémon.

Aero was forced to take the Bulbasaur, who he named Fucknugget. Jennifer ended up with a Charmander. Aero and Jennifer were going to have a practice battle, but Jennifer's pokéball broke and the Charmander was liquefied.

Afterwards Aero headed out towards Route 1, since Route 21 was flooded with the tears of depression.** [/Recap]**

Aero stood at the entrance of his quaint little town, taking in the sights, for it quite possibly could have been the last time he'd ever see it. Mostly because Aero figured that after he left, the other three buildings would eventually collapse too.

"Eh. Whatever." Aero took a step into the tall grass.

* * *

_**BATTLE START!**_

_Enemy PIDGEY attacks!_

"Well, shit." Aero reached for the only pokéball on the belt. "Well, Fucknugget. Have fun." Aero released the Bulbasaur from the pokéball.

Fucknugget looked up expectantly at its trainer, waiting for a command. Aero just looked down at it and shrugged.

_Fucknugget used Tackle!_

_Fucknugget Missed!_

_ENEMY PIDGEY USED TACKLE!  
CRITICAL HIT!_

**Fucknugget has fainted!**

"…I should have gone with the fucking turtle." Aero kicked the Pidgey in the face.

**Enemy PIDGEY has fainted!  
Aero receives 16 Experience Points!**

"Well don't I feel special."

_**BATTLE END!**_

* * *

"Let's get out of here before more birds show up." Aero took another step.

* * *

_**BATTLE START!**_

_Enemy PIDGEY attacks!_

"Fuck my life."

Aero threw Fucknugget's pokéball at the wild Pidgey. The pokéball slammed into the side of the bird's skull with a cracking noise. The bird fell over lifeless.

"I can't reuse these damn things, huh?"

**Enemy PIDGEY has fainted!  
Aero receives 16 Experience Points!**

_**BATTLE END!**_

* * *

Aero picked up his beaten up Bulbasaur and carried it with him as he walked. "You're pretty useless, you know that?"

Fucknugget would have cried a little inside, but he was unconscious.

Aero kept walking until he came to an extremely short ledge. He tried to climb it, but couldn't.

"You see, although the ledges are small, there's a one way barrier that lets people fall off, but not climb back up. The Kanto Police Department put the barrier up as a precaution after a certain incident where a young man tried climbing up one, made it to the top, and then exploded. Of course later they found out that he exploded not because of climbing up the ledge, but because some idiot decided it would be funny to plant landmines all along the upper part of that particular ledge. Either that or he was a terrorist. And nobody likes terrorists anyway. After learning about that, the Police Force didn't need the barriers anymore, but were too lazy to take them down. So because the police force is so horrible, everyone has to walk AROUND the ledges, unless they are jumping OFF of the ledge. This has caused significant problems for the inhabitants of Cerulean City as there are a lot of these ledges around the Cerulean entrance to Mt. Moon, and there is no current way back to Pewter City unless you have cut and go all the way to Vermilion and go through Diglet's Cave, then back to Pewter City, or you have surf and go to Pallet from Cinnabar Island and then to Pewter City, or you have fly...and fly. All of these options are out-of-the-way, and annoying."

Aero turned and stared at the man who appeared out of nowhere and started talking a mile a minute about nothing.

"Therefore, if you live in Pewter City, it is well advised to go somewhere OTHER than Cerulean City for vacation. Besides, Misty is the gym leader there, and nobody likes Misty because she's ugly. That's all the more reason not to go there," the strange man continued.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Aero hadn't really been listening at all.

"My brain is fine-tuned to the encyclopedia of the universe."

"Oh, a crazy person. Now it all makes sense."

The man kept babbling something about Cerulean City and crazy cultists and fish gods or some nonsense. Aero just kept walking.

Eventually, an oddly dressed woman walked up to Aero.

"HaveyouseenmycatIlostmycat."

"…What?"

"Mycatranawayican'tfindithelpplease."

"Goodbye."

Aero kept walking.

_**BATTLE START!**_

* * *

"I'm starting to hate this place."

_Enemy RATTATA attacks!_

_Enemy RATTATA used Tail Whip!_

Aero dropped Fucknugget's unconscious body on it.

**Enemy RATTATA has Fainted!  
Fucknugget receives 12 experience points!**

_**BATTLE END!**_

* * *

"Well, that worked better than I thought it would." Aero picked Fucknugget back up and kept walking.

"Are we there yet?"

"Nope," replied Aero.

"Are we there yet?"

"Nope," replied Aero.

"Are we there yet?"

Aero stopped and turned towards the voice, and discovered it belonged to a young child.

"Why are you following me?"

"Why not?"

"Good point."

Aero kept walking, kid in tow.

"Are we there yet?"

"Nope"

"Are we there yet?"

"No-"

"MYCATIFOUNDYOUMYCATCOMEHEREC AT!"

The crazy woman from earlier was running straight for the child that was following Aero, all the while screaming about cats.

"Not her again!" exclaimed the child, before running away from the crazed cat lady.

"COMEHERECATDON'TRUNINEEDYOUCATWHYDOYOURUN?"

"I hope Viridian isn't full of crazy like this dumb road is."

Meanwhile, orderlies of the Viridian City Asylum were rushing around in a panic because of a recent mass-breakout of patients.

Aero eventually met a strange-looking man poking around in some bushes. He was wearing a name tag that said "Philip" along with "Viridian City PokéMart".

When the strange PokéMart clerk noticed Aero, he quickly spun around, saluted, and blurted out "Hi! I'm a transvestite!"

"Okay."

The man dressed as a clerk handed Aero a spray bottle full of glass-cleaner. "My job is to stand here and give you free bottles of stuff! Isn't that great?"

"I can't argue with free." Still, the man was pretty creepy.

"Do you know SATAN? SATAN is my hero!"

"Uh."

"Sometimes he tells me to do things."

"Uh." Aero started to back away.

"Today I saw a delivery boy for the PokéMart in town on his way to work. SATAN told me to kill him, and put on his clothes, and hand out free stuff!"

Aero noticed a bloody hand sticking out from behind the bushes.

"I'm going to go all the way over there. Satan told me to tell you not to follow me. Bye."

"He did? I guess I'll wait here then! Free stuff for everyone!"

Aero was already out of hearing range. "Note to self: Buy a gun."

So Aero kept walking forward on the dirt path, until there was no longer a dirt path.

"Why in hell does the dirt path stop at a tree?" asked Aero.

"Nature triumphs over all," answered the man standing next to him. The man was completely naked besides the bowler hat he was wearing. He also had a pine-scented air freshener tied around his neck like fine jewelry.

"I'm not even talking to you." Aero walked around the tree, through some tall grass

* * *

_**BATTLE STA-**_

"NO!" Aero kicked the wild Pidgey, and it went flying.

_**BATTLE END**_

* * *

The Pidgey flew pretty far. At least until it hit a weather vane that was attached to a greenish roof. Unfortunately, it managed to hit the pointy-end and gutted itself all over the roof. A couple of stray Meowth ate the remains for lunch.

Feeling better after performing a good deed by feeding a couple of starving strays, Aero proudly marched towards the outskirts of Viridian City, eager to escape crazy-town.

Finally, Aero entered Viridian City.

He was so relieved on his way into the city that he failed to notice a group of asylum orderlies running out into Route 1 with nets.

A crazy woman screaming "wheredidmycatgosomeonecatchm ycat" could be heard in the distance, but there was only one thing on Aero's mind at this exact moment.

"It sure is green around here."

* * *

**I like green. All green, every green. Green, green, green. My Green is Greener than your Green. If you have three Green and I have five Green then how much Green does a Green Green Green.**


	6. Viridian City Is Dumb

**I had to rush to finish this before work, and then Monday is the start of a new Fall semester, so I'll have to try to finish up the rest either later tonight or this weekend, because I'll be damned if I'll have any time to write fan fiction while working and taking classes and studying and doing homework, and writing term papers, and dancing in the moonlight without pants, and wait what?  
**

**I totally don't do that. Honest.  
**

**_DISCLAIMER: I don't dance naked in the moonlight. Dancing naked in the sunlight though, is a different story._**

* * *

**Chapter 5 – Green Town Green Town Green Town Green Town Green**

* * *

**[Recap]**Aero traveled through Route 1, trying to avoid encounters with clinically insane asylum patients. Eventually, Aero arrived in Viridian City.

That's it. The last chapter was pretty fucking boring.**[/Recap]**

Aero finally arrived in Viridian City, land of the green, home of the population of roughly fifteen. But hey, at least it's a higher population than Pallet Town. Well, post-apocalypse Pallet Town anyway. Fuckin' Oak.

The biggest thing that stood out about Viridian City was that, for possibly no legitimate reason, every single building in the entire city was green, besides the Pokémon Center, and the Mart, but only because the owners of the two buildings were major hipsters and refused to be mainstream.

Aero looked down at Fucknugget, who's HP was still zeroed from the last chapter.

"I guess I need to carry your worthless ass to a Pokémon Center." Aero looked around until he spotted the familiar red-roofed building with the PC sign.

_Free wi-fi and usable PC inside!_

Wrong PC sign.

Anyway, Aero began walking towards the building's entrance. It certainly wouldn't take long, considering the grid-like stature of the entire planet and the fact that the Pokémon Center was a mere 5 or so steps away. There was no room for unnecessary interruptions.

Three grid-spaces later, Aero was intercepted by a small unnecessary interruption sitting by the side of the road. "Hi!"

"Damn it!"

"You shouldn't swear in front of children you know. Mummy says that's not a good thing to do and that people who swear a lot go to the bad fiery place."

"Hell?"

"Yeah, that's what I said. The bad fiery place."

"I don't believe in shit like that."

"Mummy says that people who don't believe are possessed by the spirit of homosexual rape demons."

"Of course."

"Like that guy."

The boy pointed off into a collection of trees.

"Huh?"

"A morbidly obese man walks out to the lake behind those trees every morning and fondles himself while staring at his reflection in the water."

"What are you, like five? How the fuck do you know what fondle means?"

"Have you seen my mummy?"

"Is your mother the one that's dressed with lampshades, and likes running around screaming about her cat?"

"Yes."

"She's over there." Aero pointed at an orderly dragging a large net across the ground, the crazy woman tangled up inside.

"LETMEGOINEEDMYCATLETMEFINDMY CATWHATISTHISWIZARDRYMYCATIN EEDMYCATHELP!"

The orderly gave an apologetic wave to Aero before continuing.

"Mummy! Wait for me!" The kid ran after the orderly and his mom.

"MYCATIFOUNDYOUCOMEHERECAT"

So Aero shrugged and continued on to the Pokémon Center.

Meanwhile somewhere behind a tree, a morbidly obese man was busy watching his reflection in a lake as he groped his flabby moobs and made disturbing moaning noises.

Inside the Pokémon Center, there was an old fellow positioned in front of a table made of glass reading the daily newspaper, an extremely manly looking nurse with hairy arms, Popeye biceps, and prison tattoos, and a twelve-year-old male with a flamboyantly yellow hat.

Despite being somewhat wary about the nurse, Aero approached the counter.

"Welcome to the Pokémon Center, where we treat the wounds of your pathetic excuse of Pokémon." said the Nurse with a gruff voice. "I'm Nurse George, and I'll be assisting you today."

The Pokémon Center Board Committee, who were the people who built new Pokémon Centers and regulated the old ones, got tired of the name "Joy" and changed the nurse name requirement to "George" because they weren't properly meeting their monthly quota of CEO fuck-ups.

Needless to say, many women named Joy lost the only jobs they were qualified to do, and quite a few women named George managed to score jobs that they very dearly needed because nobody else would hire a woman with a man's name. That and most of them were formerly prisoners.

So what happened to all the Joys that were laid off?

Since none of the Joys had the proper degrees to do anything but staff Pokémon Centers, they became strippers for the Celadon Game Corner. All of this happened to be rather convenient for Team Rocket, because they had just recently lost their most popular act of police-woman strippers. As it turns out, people liked the sexy nurse outfits even more than the police uniforms, and it ended up being a win-win situation for everyone.

Kind of.

Okay, just Team Rocket.

"I need you to heal my worthless excuse of a Bulbasaur." said Aero.

"…" Nurse George started to twitch. "Fatal Error in line 4325. Cannot convert from String to Boolean…"

Then the lights went out.

"What just happened?"

"The game crashed. Next time say YES or NO."

"Oh. Sorry."

"That's okay, it's a common rookie mistake. We all do it once." George began shuffling around back behind the counter. "Hold on, let me restart it."

There was a small bleeping noise as the power flickered once, before coming back on for good.

"You want to try this again now?"

"YES"

"Okay then. Give me a second."

Aero handed Nurse George the beaten-up body of Fucknugget. She then stretched the bodybuilder muscles in her arms before slamming Fucknugget straight down onto the flat shiny chromed surface of an unidentified machine. Then she closed the lid and pressed a big red button that said DO NOT PUSH.

Aero scratched his head.

The machine started vibrating and made a few beeping noises, and then a high-pitched whine. Then the machine began rocking violently, the whine increasing in pitch. Finally, the machine started smoking, and with a loud BANG, broke down. Fucknugget was unceremoniously ejected from the machine, and was surprisingly good as new.

"Oh, that actually worked!" exclaimed Nurse George. "Uh…I mean, yeah! of course it worked. I totally know what I'm doing."

Aero wasn't really paying attention, because he was busy watching the events unfold behind him.

The loud bang the machine gave off as it broke down, caused the old geezer at the table have a heart attack, as old people are wont to do.

He fell over into the glass table, which shattered into a million razor-sharp pieces of glass, as glass objects are wont to do.

The yellow hat wearing boy decided to turn around at this moment, and one of the bigger glass fragments ended up burying itself in his eye. A few more cut up his arms and legs, and another pierced him through the heart. He proceeded to flop on the ground screaming until he bled to death. As people shredded by sharp glass fragments are wont to do.

Around this time someone was descending the stairs to the trade center having just got done trading his bodily fluids with one of the nurses. Naturally the scene occurring on the first floor sent him into panic mode and he stumbled for the exit. As panicking people are wont to do.

Due to unforeseen events, the now-deceased old geezer's newspaper had managed to displace itself during the commotion, and sat unfolded in front of the doorway. The fleeing man slipped on it and fell face first into the dirt outside. As people who slip on newspapers are wont to do.

Around this time, a group of traveling professional soccer players decided to practice a few kicks in the area right outside the Pokémon Center. One of them mistook the grounded man's head as a soccer ball somehow, and landed a high-velocity kick to his cranium. As soccer players that mistake a human being's skull as a ball are wont to do.

The man's head, along with the rest of his body was thrown through the air, heading in a path that would result in a head-on collision with the entrance to the Viridian City gym, which was currently locked up because the owner was away, busy doing other things evil mob bosses like to do. Like sitting in the company office, using the computer to pretend to be a teenage girl on popular MMOs.

Right before the collision, the door to the gym suddenly burst open, and the man was dragged into the inky darkness that resided in the interior of the building. The door slammed shut, and a few moments later screaming and the sounds of something eating messily. Afterwards, the door opened back up again just long enough for something to politely deposit a silver plate stacked neatly with human bones on the ground outside the gym. The something also said "Thanks for the food." Then the door shut and locked again.

Later a man dressed much like a butler came, and collected the plate before disappearing into the distance.

Back at the Pokémon Center, Aero turned back around to face Nurse George.

Nurse George just shrugged. "We hope to see you again."

"No."

And then Aero left the Pokémon Center. Moments later, the building collapsed.

Aero turned around.

"Well, shit."

* * *

**I probably got a tad bit carried away with this one. It was fun to write though. And if anyone has noticed, Aero is just a tiny bit more passive than in my original writing. I kinda like this Aero. I think it fits him better overall.  
**


	7. Jennifer Fails Again

**Despite cutting large sections out, I somehow managed to make this chapter twice as long as it used to be.  
**

**REWRITE DATE: 8/17/2012 - 11:19PM  
**

**_DISCLAIMER: If I owned any of this shit, I wouldn't be living with my parents._**

* * *

**Chapter 6 – Bitches Don't Know About My Ice Heals**

* * *

**[Recap]**Aero's first stop in Viridian City was the local hipster Pokémon Center, staffed by a Nurse George, to restore the health of his fallen comrade, Fucknugget.

After a bizarre turn of events, many people died, and the Pokémon Center collapsed into a pile of rubble. The current condition of Nurse George, who was still in the building when it collapsed, is unknown. She's probably dead though.**[/Recap]**

Thanks to the untimely destruction of the only Pokémon Center in the City, there were many unhappy trainers with fainted Pokémon that wouldn't be acquiring medical attention any time soon. There were also hobos, because the homeless preferred the ruins of a broken-down building to the innards of your average discarded soggy cardboard box on the side of the road.

While a small group of dirty-looking winos played fisticuffs for a chance at sleeping in something that wasn't damp for a change, the large mob of unhappy trainers marched off towards Route 2, and Viridian Forest, since the next closest Pokémon Center was all the way in Pewter City. Otherwise known as Stupid Rock Town. In fact, people were referring to Pewter as Stupid Rock Town so frequently nowadays, the mayor of Pewter City was thinking of a name change. Y'know, to stay relevant with the hip teenagers of the current generation.

There was a commotion among the homeless when one of them managed to dig up Nurse George's battered corpse among the rubble. They were all understandably hungry, so it caused another fight over who was going to enjoy a nice meal of muscled, macho nurse flesh. Then they all realized that muscle isn't very edible and threw the corpse away in disgust.

One of them pointed out to the others where they could find a nice fatty obese man who likes to touch himself out in the woods, and they all marched off to dinner.

Aero left the remains of the Pokémon Center, and headed towards the PokéMart.

Before Aero made it to the PokéMart, he ran into a kid wearing another one of those really flamboyant yellow baseball caps.

"Hey, you!" said the kid with the flamboyant yellow baseball cap.

"No." replied Aero.

"Wanna know the difference between these two extremely similar, yet completely not similar Pokémon, that are totally, obviously different and easy to tell apart without help?"

"No."

"Okay, I'll tell you then!"

Aero sighed and braced for the impact associated with the familiar discomfort and annoyance that came from talking to people that were familiarly discomforting and annoying. Or wearing familiarly discomforting and annoying yellow hats. Or both.

"You see, there are two caterpillar Pokémon. They are extremely similar. This is a complete lie I made up to waste your time. They're actually extremely different and you would have to be the dumbest person ever born to mix them up."

* * *

Meanwhile somewhere with tall grass:

A trainer watched an orange caterpillar inch across the ground, minding its own business.

"Neat!" said Jennifer. "A Caterpie!"

The Weedle inched itself out of view.

* * *

The boy grabbed a piece of paper out of his pocket, and unraveled it. Next he brought out two crayons: one green, one orange, dispensed from the Super Deluxe Crayon Hat Dispenser v2.0 built into his flamboyant yellow cap.

v1.0 had a slight bug in it, which usually resulted in the hat spontaneously combusting, and the wearer of the hat being thrown directly into the fiery pits of hell. Now it only happens about 20% of the time, unless you pull out a pink crayon for some bizarre reason. There was some speculation that Satan hates pink. Said speculation was delivered by a creepy smiling man in a Viridian PokéMart outfit that was handing out free Potions on the side of the road. This was right before an orderly from the local asylum dragged him off in a fishing net.

"I hate pink," said the guest appearance of Satan's voice. "It's such a tacky color."

The lad continued. "The first caterpillar Pokémon is Caterpie. It looks like a caterpillar." The boy made a green scribble on the piece of paper, and underneath wrote CATERPIE. "The second caterpillar Pokémon is Weedle, or as I like to call him, Sir Wormy Wigglesworth the Great. It looks like a caterpillar." He took the orange crayon this time and made another scribble on the paper next to the green one. Under this one he wrote SIR WORMY WIGGLESWORTH THE GREAT.

"So basically, you're just wasting my time."

"Yes." The boy forced the piece of paper into Aero's pocket. "That'll be 400 Pokédollars."

Aero crumpled the piece of paper into a ball, and bounced it off the boy's dumb yellow hat. "No."

"You're mean!" The kid kicked Aero in the shin and ran off cackling like a madman into the sunset.

"Augh!" Aero massaged his shin. "Fucking kids!" So Aero limped the rest of the way to the PokéMart.

There was an advertisement in the window stating that Ice Heals were 50% off. Apparently, nobody bothered to point out the fact that this particular PokéMart didn't even sell Ice Heals. Not that anyone actually ever uses them anyway.

Aero entered the PokéMart, and a happy little tune filled the air. By happy, I mean repetitive and annoying and repetitive. It was also annoying. And quite repetitive. And quite annoying. And quite repetitive. Kind of like this text.

"Hey you!" The clerk said to Aero. "You're from Pallet Town right?"

"No." Replied Aero.

"Great!" exclaimed the clerk. "Do you know Professor Oak?"

"No."

"I have this parcel for Oak, but the dude that was supposed to deliver it to him never showed up for work this morning."

"Yeah…about that…"

"I can't sell you anything until it's delivered."

"Why the fuck not?"

The clerk bent down to get something out from behind the counter. When he stood back up, he threw a package on the counter. "This here is the parcel."

"It's probably just pornography or something." said Aero picking up the package and putting the parcel into the KEY ITEMS slot of the BAG.

"Parcel," corrected the clerk.

"Whatever."

"And I didn't need to know the whole pornography thing."

"Whatever."

"And since I can't sell anything until this gets delivered, sales are plummeting while the delivery guy is off fooling around behind some bushes or something equally stupid."

"Deliver it yourself then."

"I would, but if I move from this spot before my shift is over, I'll be electrocuted until my brain melts and leaks out my ears."

"What?"

"The CEOs of the company weren't meeting their monthly fuck-up quota."

"Oh."

"So you'll deliver it for me?"

"No."

"Well why the hell did you grab it and stick it in your bag then?"

"I'd like to sell this package." Aero pulled out the parcel.

The clerk stared at Aero, unamused.

"Just kidding." Aero put the parcel away. "I'll deliver it if you sell me a gun."

"Woah! WOAH! No. Stop right there buddy! That's illegal!" the clerk held his hand out, using the universal sign for stop. Or give me a high five. Or I'm going to grab your breast. It's kind of hard to tell sometimes.

"Get away from my breasts!" said Aero.

"I was using the universal sign for stop." said the clerk.

"Oh. I thought that was the universal sign for I'm going to grab your breast. It's hard to tell sometimes."

"You don't have any breasts to grab anyway."

"That's sexist."

"Either way I can't sell yo-."

Aero retrieved a small plastic card from a wallet and handed it to the clerk. The clerk took it and stared at it momentarily. "Oh…You should have said so from the start!" he handed Aero back the card. Aero stuck it back in the wallet. "Do me a favor and don't go using the G-word around here in public man. You can never be too careful with the police running around."

The clerk turned around. "Hey Billy! Get out here, and help direct our fine customer here to the special goods!"

Another man emerged from the back room. "Man, do it yourself! I'm busy!"

"I can't, ya goof."

"Aw shit, that's right. The electrocution bit and all that."

"So help our lovely platinum member out here."

"Platinum? Shit." Billy motioned with his hands for Aero to follow him into the back. "Aero moved around the counter and followed Billy's trail.

In the back were some crates labeled with the word GUNS.

"You guys sure are inconspicuous." said Aero sarcastically.

"I know! Nobody would ever think that there would be actual guns in these crates.""

"…"

Billy took a crowbar and pried one of the crates open. "Lessee what we have here…" he turned around. "What'chu lookin' for?"

"A gun."

"Obviously. What kind of gun?"

"The kind that shoots bullets."

Billy reached into the open crate and yanked out the first gun he felt. "This?"

"I don't need a sniper."

Billy threw the rifle to the side and pulled out an assault rifle.

"Smaller."

Billy threw it to the side and pulled out a bazooka.

"I said smaller you fuck."

Billy threw it to the side and pulled out a grenade.

"That's not even a gun."

Billy threw it to the side and pulled out a flamethrower.

"Don't you have anything that won't place me on Kanto's Most Wanted three seconds after I leave the store?"

Billy threw it to the side and dragged out an M61 Vulcan with serious effort.

"This is getting ridiculous."

"Well tell me what the fuck you want then!"

"S&W M29."

"Dirty Harry?"

"Damn straight."

"Give me a sec." Billy dug around in the box for a few minutes until he found what he was looking for. "Here." He handed the revolver to Aero.

"Hmm."

"So what do you think?"

Then the sound of a sliding door. "This is a stick-up!" A woman in the background screamed and fainted.

Aero and Billy peeked around the corner of the entrance to the back. The clerk out front had his hands raised in the air. A man with a ski mask held a gun to his head.

"You can take the money! Don't shoot!"

"I don't want money. Give me all your Ice Heals!"

"…"

"I SAID GIVE ME ALL YOUR ICE HEALS!"

"But we don't have any Ice Heals…"

"What? But the sign in the window says Ice Heals are 50% off!"

"Correct."

"Then give me all your Ice Heals!"

"Wait. I remember you!"

"No you don't!"

"Yeah I do. We sold you the gun you're pointing in my face."

"I'm wearing a ski mask! My identity is a secret to everyone!"

"You wore the ski mask when you bought the gun."

"Fuck you! Give me your Ice Heals!"

"This PokéMart doesn't sell Ice Heals."

"But the sign says you do!"

"No. The sign says they're half off."

"Then give me your Ice Heals! Don't you dare tell me you're sold out!"

"We don't have any Ice Heals."

"I SAID YOU BETTER NOT TELL ME YOU'RE SOLD OUT!"

"You can't be sold out of something you don't even stock."

"But the sign says you have a discount on Ice Heals!"

"Yes. That's true."

"Then hand them over!"

"Hand over what!?"

"Your Ice Heals!"

"We don't sell Ice Heals!"

"I'm done playing around! I'll just kill you and take them myself!"

BANG

The man in the ski mask fell over dead thanks to the new eye socket in the middle of his forehead. Except it wasn't an eye socket, and it was leaking brain-matter. But who needs details.

The clerk at the counter turned around to find Billy hiding scared in a corner, and Aero holding a revolver.

"I'll take it." said Aero.

"Okay," said the clerk. "But what are we supposed to do about the corpse?"

Suddenly, a pack of ravenous homeless people barged into the mart.

"MEEEEEEEAAAAAAATTTTTTTT"

The homeless people hoisted up the corpse of the failed robber and marched off with their prize.

"That works."

* * *

Aero exited the PokéMart. "Like hell I'm actually going to deliver this thing." Aero threw the parcel into a nearby trash can, and then walked up to a slightly singed computer sticking out of the ground. Miraculously, the PC from the now destroyed Pokémon Center was somehow both in one piece, and working. Because, like, fuck logic. And electricity.

Aero booted up the computer and navigated to the email program.

You have 38 new messages!

"Gee."

Thirty-six of them were penis enlargement junk mail. They were deleted on the spot. The other two were from Jennifer.

Aero opened the first one.

_I'm waiting for you on Route 22. Come at me bro._

"Okay…" Aero deleted the message. "I think it would be funnier to just leave him waiting there and go to Pewter."

Aero opened the second email.

_P.S - ur a faget_

Aero left for Route 22. "It's on, motherfucker."

So Aero was walking along route 22. And then tall grass happened.

* * *

_**BATTLE START!**_

"Noooooooooooooo-"

_Wild SPEAROW appears!_

"-ooooooooowhat? Shit."

The Spearow stared at Aero.

"I want a Spearow. Fuck."

Aero released his Bulbasaur.

"Fucknugget! How the hell do I catch Pokémon?"

Fucknugget looked up at its trainer without a clue.

"Stop being worthless!" Aero kicked Fucknugget. Fucknugget's momentum caused it to crash face-first into the Spearow's beak.

_SPEAROW used PECK!_

_It's super effective!_

_Fucknugget has fainted!_

"Goddammit."

The Spearow continued to stare.

Aero pointed dramatically. "Uh. You…come with me?"

_Wild SPEAROW was caught!_

"That actually worked?

_Nickname the SPEAROW?_

"Cinnamon."

Cinnamon stared at its new trainer.

"What? It's either that or Shitnipple."

The Spearow conceded defeat.

"That's what I thought."

_**BATTLE END!**_

* * *

And so they were three. Well. Maybe two and a half. Fucknugget isn't really worth a whole one. Even half is kind of generous.

Aero continued down Route 22 with Cinnamon at his side. Near the end of the route, before Victory Road's entrance, Aero spotted Jennifer fucking around by the side of the road with a Pidgey that was presumably his.

"Hi there Jenny-poo." said Aero.

"Don't you fucking call me that."

"Whatever you say Jenny-darling."

"That's even worse!"

"Fine, Jennimus Prime."

"…Okay. That was just dumb."

"You're dumb."

"No you're dumb."

"Your mother is dumb."

"My mother is dead, you bitch!"

"I'm not a dog, you slut."

"I'm not a slut, you whore."

"Your Pidgey is gay."

"Your Spearow is gayer."

"My Spearow is female."

"Your Spearow is a lesbian."

"Your mother was lesbian."

"I said my mother is dead!"

"I said was."

"Fuck you! Pokémon battle! Right here, right now!"

"Kay."

* * *

_**BATTLE START!**_

_Jennifer wants to fight!_

_Jennifer sends out Basil!_

"Basil?" Asked Aero.

"Gramps wouldn't let me name it Dickweasel."

"How the fuck does he manage to do that from his lab?"

"Same way he keeps people from riding bicycles indoors."

"Fuck."

"I know."

"Anyway. Uh. Go Cinnamon. I guess." Cinnamon fluttered into the battle.

"Cinnamon?"

"I like spices."

"That's gay."

"So is Pidgey."

"Fuck you. Basil! Sand-Attack!"

_Enemy Basil uses SAND-ATTACK_

_Enemy Basil builds a sand castle!_

_Nothing happens!_

"Real smooth Jennifer."

"Shut up!"

"Uh. What moves do Spearow have again?"

"Peck."

"That's it?"

"And useless debuff moves that nobody ever uses."

"Peck it is then."

_Cinnamon uses Peck!_

_CRITICAL HIT!_

"Nuts!" complained Jennifer.

**Enemy Basil has fainted!**

**Cinnamon gains 44 experience points!**

**Cinnamon reaches level 7!**

"Suck my STAB, motherfucker."

"Go! Cuntpickle II!"

_Jennifer sends out Cuntpickle II!_

A Charmander emerged onto the field.

"Your dumb grandfather gave you another one?"

"He has a whole warehouse full of them."

"I fucking knew it."

"Your dumb Spearow is going to be fried and skewered on the end of a stick by the time I'm done with it."

"No."

"Yes."

_Aero withdrew Cinnamon._

"Fuck! What did you do that for?"

"You're cute when you're mad."

"I hate you."

"Okay, Fucknugget. You totally have this." Aero released the Bulbasaur.

Fucknugget was still pretty disoriented from the last battle, but managed to stand upright.

"Aero. Not only do I have a type-advantage here, your Bulbasaur is…uh. Yeah."

"Fucknugget." The Bulbasaur came to attention. "use Super Kamikaze Attack."

Fucknugget looked back at its trainer in confusion. It didn't know any moves by that name.

"Good luck!" Aero kicked the Bulbasaur into Jennifer's Charmander.

_Enemy Cuntpickle II has fainted!_

_Fucknugget has fainted!_

"No!"

"Yes."

"You cheated, you fuck."

"That's life, Jenny."

"Well, ha! You took out your own Pokémon too! That means we tied!"

"I still have my Spearow."

"Damn it!

Jennifer is out of usable Pokémon!

_**BATTLE END!**_

* * *

"You sure showed me," said Aero.

"You…You haven't seen the last of me!" Jennifer hoisted his fallen Charmander over his shoulder and turned to leave. "Smell ya later!"

"Stop saying that you dweeb."

Jennifer marched into the sunset.

...

...

"What is it with you people and sunsets?"

* * *

**I like sunsets. Especially green sunsets.  
**


	8. Aero Insectbane and the Forest of Bugs

**Still in the middle of rewriting old chapters. I just went and deleted the ones I didn't get to yet, because I can.  
**

**Anyway, have fun. I guess.  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I like bees. Buzz, buzz.  
**

* * *

**Chapter 7 – Forest Interlude**

**[Recap] **Aero bought a gun from the nearest PokéMart, and right after used it to give a burglar, who was particularly horrible at his chosen occupation, a nice hole in forehead. He also received a package for Professor Oak from the clerk, who was standing rigid at the counter for fear of being fried by an electrical current. Aero just threw it away when he left though, because fuck old people.

Aero then checked his email on a PC that managed to work despite being forced to withstand a building collapse and a sudden lack of actual electricity, where he discovered an email from his rival, Jennifer, proposing a gentleman's duel out on Route 22.

On his way to the meeting's predetermined location, Aero encountered a wild Spearow. He managed to catch it without a pokéball somehow, and named it Cinnamon. Aero eventually met up with Jennifer, and after a significant amount of required trash-talk, destroyed Jennifer in a Pokémon battle. Jennifer then ran away into the sunset that still has yet to occur. **[/Recap]**

"Man, fuck that guy."

Aero collected his, now once-again-fainted, Bulbasaur, and traveled back to Viridian city with Cinnamon trailing along close by. Since Jennifer had his ass suitably beaten for the time being, Aero figured it was time to get the fuck out of Psycho Green-Town.

When Aero finished the trek back to Viridian, the Pokémon Center was, as expected, still a pile of rubble housing a small band of homeless cannibals. The ruins now smelled of blood, booze, and smelly hobo rot. Human bones and half-decomposed, mutilated human corpses with bite marks lay strewn about the ground. A few of the more intact bodies were hanging by rope from what remained of the ceiling, like a grotesque meat freezer. You know, minus the freezer part.

Aero took one look and decided that staying in town was a waste of time, and also a decidedly bad idea in regards to long-term health, so he made a ninety-degree turn and headed north, towards Route 2, and a particularly annoying forest full of bug-obsessed children that are apparently skipping school in order to attack passerbys with swarms of angry, poisonous caterpillars.

But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here.

As Aero was leaving town, he passed by an old man, and what appeared to be his granddaughter. Supposedly. The old guy had a nasty scowl on his face, although that was rather commonplace for old, bald people. The girl, on the other hand, looked extremely distressed and uncomfortable. For all Aero knew, the old man was actually a kidnapping rapist, and this young woman was his victim.

But benefit of the doubt and all that.

Suddenly, the old man reached out and grabbed Aero by the arm. "Hold on there, Sonny!" he cried. "I've been watching you wander around town for awhile now."

Aero shuddered. "That's creepy."

"You're a Pokémon trainer, are you not?" the old man asked. "Do you know how to catch Pokémon?"

Aero scratched his head, and then looked down at Cinnamon, who was idling around by his feet. "Uh...kinda?"

The geezer was apparently instilled with great amounts of energy at this very moment, as he began to hop up and down like a madman. "KINDA ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH, KIDDO!" he screamed. Then he turned to face the girl. "WOMAN!"

"…Y-yes?" she replied meekly.

"BITCH, GET ME MAH COFFEE!"

"B-but grandpa! You already had thirteen cups in the past two and a half minutes! Surely all of this coffee is bad for your he-"

"I SAID GET ME COFFEE, WHORE!"

The girl squeaked in fright, and quickly scampered off in search of a cup of joe. After she left, the old man spun back around to face Aero, who just raised an eyebrow and waited to see what would happen next.

"Anyway, lemme show ya how it's done." he said surprisingly mellow-like. He reached for a pokéball that was hanging from his waist.

Just then, the girl returned, having somehow managed to find an intact cup of coffee in approximately twelve seconds, through some unexplained plot device I'm using in order to not have to spend a whole lot of time coming up with interesting dialogue for crazy old people in order to make it look like a relatively sizeable amount of time has passed.

"Grandfather, I have your cof-" Just then, her grandfather spastically flipped around to face her, screamed "POKEBALLL GOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and chucked the pokéball right at her face. It hit her directly in the forehead, and she dropped like a stone, unconscious in the middle of the road.

"And that's how you catch Pokémon, lad!"

Aero stared at the unconscious girl on the ground. "Gee thanks."

Then the old man reached down and yanked something out of his pants. "Here, I have a present for you." He handed Aero a small, portable television.

"This here is a Teachy TV!"

"Why was it in your pants, exactly?" Aero asked.

"It's loaded with all kinds of instructional videos for Pokémon trainers like you!"

"No really. Why was it in your fucking pants?"

The geezer leaned in towards Aero's ear to whisper. "And just between you and me, if you fiddle with it enough, you can totally get foreign porn on this thing too!"

Aero held the small television away from him in disgust. "That's why it was in your pants! Eew."

"Don't worry, I was wearing underwear!" The old man chuckled.

"Oh yes, that is so much better." Aero muttered to himself.

The old man spun back around to face his unconscious granddaughter, and noticed that she had been knocked out cold somehow. "BITCH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ASLEEP?! WHERE'S MY FUCKIN' COFFEE?!" He then dashed off, and proceeded start running laps around town, screaming "BITCH, WHERE MAH COFFEE!" over and over again.

Aero wisely took the opportunity to get the fuck out of town.

Since Aero left, he wasn't around when one of the orderlies finally caught up to the guy long enough to tranquillize him and throw him back in his cell. The girl unbeknownst of her own newfound freedom, stayed unconscious up until a few homeless people decided that unconscious was close enough, and ate her for lunch, with a side order of annoying-yellow-hat-kid fingers.

The Viridian side of Route 2 ended rather quickly, as Aero approached a building signaling the transition between a fucking annoying grouping of green buildings and a fucking annoying grouping of green trees. Funny how that works.

Aero entered the transition building.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the Cerulean City entrance to Mt. Moon**

A teenager, roughly Aero's age give or take, with pale blue eyes, and messy brown hair, was leaning against the side of the mountain by the entrance to the cave system that made up the mountain's interior. A winter scarf was around his neck, despite it being late spring. By his side was a Gardevoir.

"Apparently we just have to go through this cave to reach Pewter, Lily." said the mystery character, looking down at a map he was holding out in his hands. "From what we know, she is currently residing in Pallet town, so we just have to travel through Pewter and Viridian to get there."

_Neil. Do you have a map of the cave?_

He turned his head to look over at his Gardevoir and frowned. "Nooo…"

_Oh dear._

"I can't be that bad. Maybe if we're lucky the cave will be straightforward, and well lit, and not full of things trying to kill us for a change!"

_Not helping._

* * *

**Back at Viridian Forest**

Aero took his first step into the woods. The trees grew so closely together that they all but formed impassable wooden walls and it caused the treetops to cluster together up above and block out most of the sun. As such, the lighting was dim, and everything was damp and covered with dew.

It was also full of tall grass and annoying children.

"Fuck my life," said Aero, right before being assaulted by a random encounter.

* * *

_**BATTLE START!**_

_Enemy CATERPIE attacks!_

"Argh, bugs! Fucknugget, do something!

Fucknugget didn't do anything.

"Oh right, you're fainted. Useless. Cinnamon, you do something."

The Spearow fluttered over to the wriggling green caterpillar and ate it. The poor thing didn't have a chance.

_It's super effective!  
Enemy CATERPIE was ingested!_

_Cinnamon receives 10 Fullness Points!_

_**BATTLE END!**_

* * *

"Well…uh, good job. I guess."

With the interruption out of the way, Aero had a chance to take a look around at his surroundings. The forest was practically a maze, due to the branching directions, and the way the trees had grown. It didn't help that the dirt paths were worn with use, and were even grown over with grasses and moss at certain points. There were two options, and Aero didn't know which way to go, so he picked a direction at random and got to walking.

For Aero, there was an eerie lack of random encounters. Unknown to him, however, was the fact that he was actually running into multiple random encounters and never realizing it. Aero mostly didn't notice because all of the encounters were with tiny, insignificant bugs, and the battle generally ended with him ignorantly stomping over them and turning them into bug goo with his shoes.

Aero paused when he reached a dead end.

"I hate this place already." Just then Aero caught a gleam of red where one of the few sunbeams that managed to wiggle in past the trees ended. He reached down for the object and discovered that it was a pokéball.

"The fuck? Somebody lose their Pokémon or something?"

A few moments after picking up the pokéball, there was a click, and the pokéball swung open. Inside the pokéball was yet another pokéball.

Aero obtained Pokéball!

The original pokéball fell to the ground, where it dematerialized itself and ceased to exist.

"Okaaay then." He stuck the pokéball in his BAG.

There was nothing else to see in this section of the forest, so Aero headed back to where he entered, squashing large volumes of bug Pokémon on the way. "I hate fucking mazes…" he mumbled under his breath.

Back at the entrance, Aero bumped into a boy holding a butterfly net that was totally not there when Aero passed through the first time.

"You were totally not here when I passed through the first time," said Aero.

"I came here to catch bugs, but I got lost and now I don't know where the exit is."

"…What? It's right in front of us."

"Will you help me find my way home?"

"No." Aero walked away in the direction opposite of last time, and left the kid where he was. Eventually a Beedrill found the boy sitting there, and flew away with him. He was never seen again.

Approximately thirty steps later, a different looking annoying kid with a butterfly net jumped out at Aero from behind one of the walls made from trees.

"Hey! You have Pokémon! Let's battle!" squealed the bug enthusiast.

Aero stared at him. "No."

* * *

_**BATTLE START!**_

_Bug Catcher Rick wants to fight!_

"Fucking hell!" said Aero. "I said no!"

"I like bugs!" replied Rick. He tossed out a pokéball, which landed on the ground in front of him. There was an impressive flash of light as it opened. Then a little green caterpillar crawled out of it.

_Bug Catcher Rick sends out CATERPIE!_

"What a coincidence," said Aero, "Cinnamon here likes bugs too."

Cinnamon flew over to the Caterpie and ate it.

_It's super effective!  
Enemy CATERPIE was ingested!_

_Cinnamon receives 10 Fullness Points!_

Cinnamon chirped, satisfied with her snack.

"Nooooooo! Caterpie! Why!?" Rick fell to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably.

_**BATTLE END!**_

* * *

"You ate my best friend!" Rick screamed through his tears.

"No, my Spearow ate your best friend."

"Screw you!" Rick ran deep into the woods bawling his eyes out. He was never seen again.

Aero stretched his arms. "I think things are off to a good start," Aero said mostly to himself. "What do you think, Cinnamon?"

Cinnamon nodded in agreement.

"I'd ask Fucknugget too, but he's busy being an unconscious sack of useless. Again."

Aero continued on through the forest, following the path until he came to another split. There was no indication of where either of them went, if they even went anywhere in the first place. Aero stood at the split road and was pondering over which path would be best to follow, when somebody tapped him on the shoulder.

Aero turned around to find out who was behind him, but immediately regretted doing so.

"Hi!" said the bug catcher. "Pokémon battle!"

* * *

_**BATTLE START!**_

_Bug Catcher Anthony wants to fight!_

"I like bugs!"

"I don't" replied Aero.

_Bug Catcher Anthony sends out METAPOD!_

The bug catcher released his Pokémon, which just happened to be a hard looking…green…thing.

"What the fuck is that supposed to be?" asked Aero, eyeing up the strange green cocoon-like entity now sitting in front of him.

"Metapod!" answered Anthony. "He's my trusty partner!"

"Right." Aero looked down at Cinnamon. "Do you eat those?"

Cinnamon shook her head.

"Oh well." Aero ran up to the Metapod and punted it. The Metapod bounced down one of the paths. Aero silently decided to choose the path that the Metapod didn't get kicked down.

"Oh no! You jerk!" exclaimed Bug Catcher Anthony. "Why did you kick my friend like that?!"

"Sorry, mistook it for a football."

"Footballs aren't green!"

"Nerf footballs are."

"You're mean!"

"Thanks."

_**BATTLE END!**_

* * *

Anthony ran after his Metapod. He was never seen again.

Afterwards, Aero headed down the path that Anthony and his Metapod wasn't on. It luckily didn't lead to a dead end. It redundantly led to the same place that the other path led to. Strangely, Bug Catcher Anthony and his Nerf football buddy weren't waiting on the other end.

The forest was pretty straightforward after that. There was a couple of branching paths here and there, and some led to dead ends, which Aero found to be quite infuriating at times. Other than that though, it really wasn't that bad. No trainers or random encounters that couldn't be defeated by kicking, eating, or stomping the opponent to death.

It was also rather quiet, something that Aero's life had been lacking for awhile. The only problem with the whole thing was the fact that Aero was in a forest. And it was damp. And there were bugs. And annoying kids. And bugs. And trees. And bugs. And it was maze-like. And bugs. Oh and also bugs.

"I should have brought some fucking bug spray or something…" Aero complained to himself.

Come to think of it, things weren't really all that great after all.

Right when Aero was just about through with the whole thing, he reached a sign proclaiming that Pewter City was just ahead. In the distance, Aero could see the building that marked the end of Viridian Forest, and the start of Pewter City's side of Route 2.

"Finally!" He ran towards the building, eager to be free of wooded areas for awhile. Unfortunately, only a few yards away from his destination, Aero was stopped when yet another bug catching maniac leaped out from behind a bush in front of his path.

"I like bugs!"

* * *

_**BATTLE START!**_

"Goddammit, NO!"

_Bug Catcher Sammy wants to fight!_

_Bug Catcher Sammy sent out BUTTERFREE!_

"I just can't win, can I?" Aero said in a defeated tone. He looked down at Cinnamon. "Just peck it's stupid compound eyes out or something."

_Cinnamon used PECK!  
It's super effective!_

The Butterfree squealed in pain, as its eyes were now gushing blood all over from beak-shaped holes.

"Nooooo! Butterfree!" yelled the bug catcher. "Quick! Use Sleep Powder!"

_Enemy BUTTERFREE used SLEEP POWDER!_

Unfortunately, being blind has its disadvantages, and Butterfree ended up scattering the sleep powder all over its own trainer, who proceeded to fall face first in the grass, fast asleep.

Aero and his Spearow stood there dumbfounded, until the Butterfree finally passed out due to blood loss.

_**BATTLE END!**_

* * *

"Well, whatever. I'm sure they'll be fine." Aero left the bug catcher and his fallen Butterfree, and proceeded to exit Viridian Forest. Sammy and his Butterfree were never seen again.

* * *

**Somewhere inside Mt. Moon**

Neil and Lily casually strolled through what appeared to be a dig site in the middle of the cave. Nobody else seemed to be around at the moment.

"I wonder what's going on around here." Neil said to himself.

_I'd rather we not find out,_ replied Lily.

"You're no fun."


	9. Champ In The Making

**I wrote this today instead of working on a paper for my class, which means I'll probably fail my classes for the semester and then lose my job and starve to death, just for you (whoever you are). I hope you're happy.  
**

**Also, I'm serious about the title. Someone help me think up a better title. My old one was dumb, but I can't think of anything even moderately better that doesn't sound like I spent 5 minutes randomly generating words in a name generator or something.  
**

**If you leave it up to me, it'll just end up being named something like "This Is A Story About A Person, And Stuff Happens From Time to Time."  
**

**And while that sums up everything pretty much, I'd rather not use it.  
**

**Anyway:**

**DISCLAIMER: I own Samuel, but you can have him if you want. Mimes are dumb.**

* * *

**Chapter 8 – This Chapter Has A Mime**

**[Recap] **Aero returned to Viridian City just long enough to be taught the finer aspects of catching Pokémon by some random old person. He also received a portable television that's apparently only good for picking up television programs that teach idiots how to play a really simple video game, and foreign pornography that may or may not be highly illegal.

Afterwards, Aero headed to route 2 for a whole three and a half seconds before entering Viridian Forest, which ended up being an annoying maze of nature filled with annoying kids with an insect fetish. After walking around lost for a while, and fighting off hoards of idiots with bugs, Aero managed to exit the forest on the other side of Route 2, which is luckily a stone's throw away from Pewter City, and Aero's first badge.

Ha ha, stone's throw. Y'know, Pewter City? Rock-type gym? Stone? It's funny, laugh dammit! **[/Recap]**

Aero stepped out of the building that marked the end of his trek through Viridian Forest, and into Pewter City's portion of Route 2. The divide between Route 2 and Pewter City was literally a few steps away.

Suddenly, Aero's vision was filled with a sea of orange, as an orange sheet of paper was unceremoniously pressed against his face.

Aero, irritated by the sudden invasion of his personal space, grabbed the paper out of the air. With the obstruction gone, Aero could properly make out the offender. A white-faced man with a black and white striped outfit.

"A…mime?"

"Welcome to Pewter City!" exclaimed the mime. "You can call me Samuel!"

"Mimes don't talk."

"All my friends call me Samuel!"

"We're not friends."

"I'd like it if we could become friends."

"No."

Samuel frowned. "Why not?"

"Because you're a talking mime."

"What's wrong with mimes?" Samuel pouted.

"Nothing."

"Then why can't we be friends?"

"Because you're not a mime. You're a _talking_ mime."

"That's a problem?"

"Yes." Aero looked down at the orange paper in his hand. "What the hell is this flyer for anyway?"

"Pamphlet." corrected Samuel.

"What?"

"That there is my Welcome-To-Pewter-City Pamphlet!" the mime said proudly. "I'm a proud member of the Pewter City Welcoming Committee!"

"But this is only one single sheet of paper."

"Correct."

"So that makes it more of a flyer than a pamphlet."

"PAMPHLEEEEETTTTTTT." Samuel screeched loudly.

"…" Aero blinked. "Okay then." He proceeded to crumple the flyer up into a little wad of orange paper, and then threw it into the tall grass to the side.

The mime frowned. "Littering is wrong, you know."

"Yeah? Well so are talking mimes. Now get the fuck out of my way already."

Samuel continued to frown, refusing to uproot himself from the middle of the road. "I'm not moving until you pick up your trash. Pewter City is a clean and prosperous place, and I will not allow you to sully its fine name with your acts of littering!"

Aero shoved him aside into the tall grass.

"Hey! What are you doing?! Violence is wro-"

* * *

**_BATTLE START!_**

_Enemy PIDGEY attacks!_

_Samuel is out of usable Pokémon!  
Samuel whited out!_

_**BATTLE END!**_

* * *

Samuel suddenly vanished from the tall grass, as he was whisked away to the nearest Pokémon Center by the will of the game's internal programming. Unfortunately for Samuel, the last time he was in a Pokémon Center was years ago, and now the building was being used as a meat processing plant, where he was eventually packaged into a form resembling those tiny sausages people eat for breakfast.

Much to the chagrin of the employees, the sausages retained a pasty white color with black stripes. They were going to recall all the strange mime-sausage, but the advertising department stepped in at the last second and started marketing it as a special limited time product. It ended up being so popular, that meat companies started actively hunting helpless mimes in secrecy in order to continue making the specialty sausage.

Nobody cared, because mimes are weird.

Back in the present, a wild Pidgey was standing around looking rather confused, for it hadn't even had a chance to attack, due to Samuel not even having a Pokémon in the first place. Aero punted it into the woods, out of his hatred for Pidgey. It was never seen again.

Yes, I totally just went and used that joke again. Fuck you.

Aero headed towards Pewter's Pokémon Center, Cinnamon in tow. Fucknugget was still fainted like usual. "Fuckin' talking mimes…" Aero muttered to himself.

The interior of the Pokémon Center was almost identical to the interior of the former Viridian City Pokémon Center. A nurse George was sitting behind the counter with a bored expression. Aero walked up to the counter, and placed Fucknugget's pokéball in front of nurse George.

"YES."

The nurse cocked an eyebrow. "…What?"

"…Erm. I need my Pokémon healed."

The nurse George righted herself. "Oh. Why didn't you just say so?" She took the pokéball and placed it in the mysterious healing machine behind the counter, which, oddly, looked different from the strange device the nurse George back in Viridian City was using.

The nurse turned back to Aero. "You just come in from Viridian?"

"Why?"

"Heard that place has gone to shit lately. Groups of cannibalistic hobos, a breakout at the asylum, increased crime rates. Apparently even the nurse running the Pokémon Center was using shoddy black market equipment, and now the building is in ruin."

_Well that explains a lot, _Aero thought to himself.

The nurse turned back around to fetch Fucknugget's pokéball from the healing machine. "What a world…" she grumbled. She turned and handed the pokéball back to Aero.

"I'm supposed to tell you that I'm hoping to see you again, but that's like saying I hope your Pokémon get the shit kicked out of them again, so I won't. That would just be rude."

"Works for me." Aero took his Pokémon, and exited the building.

Aero released Fucknugget by Cinnamon's side. "Don't go fainting again. I need you to not suck for this gym battle."

Fucknugget gave his trainer a dirty look. "Bulba, bulb." It translates into something like: _You're the one that keeps kicking me into things that have a type advantage against me._

Cinnamon laughed at him.

"Bulb." _Oh, fuck you._

"Quit it you two," Aero said to his Pokémon, "let's get going." Aero and his Pokémon talked tactics while walking to the gym.

"The Pewter City gym leader uses rock-types, so Fucknugget is pretty much our only hope."

Then Aero thought for a moment. "Wait, Fucknugget, do you even _know _any grass-type moves yet?"

"…ba." …_No_

"My team is comprised of a flying-type, and a grass-type without any grass moves. Brilliant."

By this point, the trio was standing right outside the entrance to the gym. It was a fairly impressive looking building from the outside. Unfortunately, it was a fairly unimpressive looking building on the inside. I mean seriously, the floor is made out of dirt and random boulders. I don't care what type your gym specializes in, it's still dumb looking.

As Aero stared up at the sign affixed to the top of the entrance, he could only wish that Scarlett could have accompanied him to his first real gym match in Kanto. Partly because his current team was destined for failure, mostly because beating the rock-type gym leader with a fire-type would be funny.

Oh, okay, fine. Maybe it was partly because he missed her. He'd never tell her that though, she'd just make fun of him about it.

But he'd get to Celadon sooner or later; there was no reason to dwell on her now. It was probably for the best anyway, seeing as the next gym would be water-oriented.

"Oh well." Aero sighed, and entered the gym.

Seconds after, he was verbally assaulted with an over-excited exclamation of "Yo! Champ in the making!"

Off to the side of the interior of the gym was spectacled man in a suit, attempting to wave the newcomer to the gym over to him. The two other people in the gym, some kid dressed up like a boy scout and a man with no notable physical qualities other than that he could apparently see with his eyes closed, stood a sizable distance away and pretended that the suited man didn't exist.

"Yo, champ!" the man exclaimed again, beckoning forward with increasing fervor.

Aero ignored him.

"You, champ, over here!" He started hopping up and down.

Aero continued to ignore him.

"Yochampyochampyochampyochamp yochampyochampyochampyochamp yochampyochampyochampyochamp yochampyochampyochampyochamp yochampyochampyochampyochamp yochampyochampyochampyochamp yochampyochampyochampyochamp !"

"OH MY ARCEUS, What the fuck do you want?!"

Mr. Suit and Glasses brightened, and rushed over to Aero wearing his best door-to-door salesman grin.

"Yo, champ! before you go challenging the gym leader here, let me bestow my professional advice upon you!"

Aero looked at the man skeptically.

"The gym leader here specializes in rock-types," began the man.

"Yes, I know."

"Rock-type Pokémon are sturdy and defensive and strong. They have innate resistance against Pokémon like fire-types and flying-types."

"Yes, I know."

"However, rock-types are especially weak against water and gra-"

"Yes, I know."

The man scowled. "Well aren't you just a big know-it-all." he growled.

"No, your advice is just more useless than Fucknugget."

"Who's Fucknugget?"

"My Bulbasaur."

The man looked confused. "But a Bulbasaur would be exceptionally useful at a gym like this."

"He doesn't know any grass moves."

"…Oh. Yeahhh, that's a problem."

"Yes."

"Luckily for you, I have just the thing!" The man pulled out a briefcase from nowhere and started digging through the contents. "Hmm…I just saw it a second ago…where was it…" Eventually he found what he was looking for, and pulled out a greenish-colored disc.

"Here it is!" he said with his traveling salesman smile. "TM 09, Bullet Seed!"

Aero eyed the small disc cautiously. "What's it do?"

"This baby will teach your Bulbasaur a new grass-type move!"

"I know what the TM does, dumbfuck. I meant the move."

"Oh. It…uh…makes your Bulbasaur shoot…seeds."

"…That's it?"

"Well, yeah. Bullet Seed. It's in the name. But, uh, it shoots, like, a lot of them and stuff."

"I guess it's better than nothing," Aero took the TM, turned around, and crouched down to the height of Fucknugget. "Okay, Fucknugget. Turn around and spread 'em wide."

The Bulbasaur glared at his trainer. "Bulba." _No fucking way._

"Just kidding, hold still for a second." Aero took the disc and placed it on the Bulbasaur's head. On contact, the TM lit up and hummed for a few moments before fading away into microscopic, unidentifiable-video-game-dark-matter particles.

Aero stood back up. "Well? Feel anything?"

Fucknugget stared up at his trainer for a few moments before spitting a seed at Aero's face.

"Ow!" Aero covered his hit eye.

"Bulba." _It worked._

"Dick."

"Bulba bulb. Ba." _Consider it revenge for all the kicking._

"You're still a dick." Aero turned back around to the man who had given him the TM. "I guess you aren't giving this to me for free."

"Defeat the gym leader here and give me the TM you receive from him, and I'll consider it a done deal."

"Fair enough," Aero turned towards the back of the gym where the two other trainers were waiting, and cracked his knuckles.

"Let's rock and roll."

"Speaar." _That was sooo lame._

"Nobody asked you, bird."


End file.
